He loves to work in the garage, repairing everything from computers to cabinetry. As a result, our garage sends me into twitches just upon entering. We were walking through Home Depot one day over a month ago when he randomly mentioned wanting toolbox chest things. You know, the kind that are on wheels and have drawers and will be passed down to your grandchildren.
So I sucked it up, threw myself out of my natural waters and flopped through the Sears website like a fish out of water. I bought 2 stackable chest of drawer heirloom tool chests, arranged for pick up at the closest location, that was not in the ghetto, closest to where I live. I hid these monstrosities in the garage until Christmas under moving blankets. I thought for sure he was going to notice 5 feet tall box stacked in the garage, but remember, this is the garage of the Apocalypse.
I anxiously awaited Christmas morning, hoping he hadn't connected the dots of the momentous mention of wanting tool boxes and the gargantuan boxy sheet thing looming in the corner of the garage. After all gifts were unwrapped, I lovingly lead him to the garage, with a flourish swung off the blanket only to have one of the most unexcited reactions in the history of the gift giving. I'm sure one of Santa's elves died at that moment if the life span of elves works anything like fairies, keeping in mind specifically Tinkerbell's fainting spell in Peter Pan when we all have to clap to reassure her of our belief!
For days after Christmas he feigns interest in these tool boxes while I'm chomping at the bit to park my car in the blessed garage again. Three days after the big reveal upon returning home from taking my mother to the airport he says,"We need to talk." My palms start to sweat, my heartbeat is slightly elevated and my head is lacking the required oxygen. Is he breaking up with me? Does he hate my mother that much?
The drawers on the chests don't pull out smoothly. They are the ball bearing kind he tells me. How could I mess this up? I did research. I called my dad to ask his advice on what kind of tool chest to buy. I spent hours walking through Home Depot and Lowes and spent a considerable about of confused time on the Sears website. I heard Craftsman was the best. I knew he would want multiple chests to stack on top of each other and that the whole thing must be on wheels. I even spent a worrisome evening struggling with whether or not he would want the black or the red chest. In all that time no one ever mentioned to me there's a difference in the machinery used to pull the forsaken drawer out. I mean, I knew always buy DeWalt and Craftsman. Buy cordless powertools if at all possible. And whatever you do, don't buy a man purple tools, but really? Ball bearing versus regular drawers, who knew?!
After tears, today he returned my subpar gift and paid for the upgrade of what he really wanted. Now every time I see those instruments of organization I will be reminded of my ineptitude of gift giving. Of course I would rather him have what he wants and will be durable and of great use to him but why did I have to be so incapable? Why aren't there really cutely dressed women that greet other women with the deer in the headlight look at these home improvement mega stores that take us by the arm and say, "Honey, come with me. We are going to get your man the perfect gift and he's going to buy you that ring from Tiffany's because he'll be so proud of you!" That's my suggestion you smelly hardware stores. Create an aesthetically pleasing separate entrance for your female, specifically girlfriend/ wife clientele that would never darken your door otherwise. Have a non-intimidating friendly woman there to greet us. Serve coffee, maybe even have a wine tasting event and have someone hold our hand through the whole painful thing because there's nothing worse than having the love of your life think you are stupid, don't listen to him for the hours that he rambles on about tools and building projects that put dirt under his fingernails, and worst of all, have to return the gift that you painstakingly had to lie about why you had to borrow his truck and unload 100lb boxes into the garage by yourself.